The sweet hum of cicadas in my ears
It's been a long time to upload articles in Lofter. Tbh, I almost totally forgot this space. It should be the first time for me to record and share something in English here. Apparently, I have concealed my thoughts in public especially the Simplified Chinese SNSs for a lengthy time, so to say I have to say something nonsensical somewhere else. There is an undisclosed corner for me to split my sorrows and anxieties namely my Lofter.
In preceding months, I had to prepare IELTS for meeting the requirements of language. For starters, I was confident enough to finish the whole process before July but after failures in several times I became weak and fragile. Once I close my eyes all the outrageous scenarios burst without any clue in my mind. I couldn't help thinking loudly at midnights according to the adversity that I met in the daytime.
Shameful, guilty, hopeless thoughts are always wrapping me tightly if I slow down my steps or tend to have a rest. What's worse, my neck and back hurt a lot during the duarable sitting period. Both physical and mental pains diminish my paces and prevent me thinking positively when I couldn't get idealized results in mock practices. I am definitely supporting the saying as practice makes perfect whereas I couldn't persuade myself well if I barely gain improvement after practices. The feelings impair my memory at times cuz I recall the helpless experiences on a regular basis. Even if I do have progress I still couldn't trust myself due to the miserable formulation of IELTS and plenty of disgraceful results. Why other people can succeed except me? I am puzzled.
The cicades are singing loudly, which shows that the summer is still alive. However I picked up a dying cicade last month, after which I abruptly comprehended the real summer was gone. The passions, dreams, motivations or enthusiasms are gone. No matter what choices I choose the ending of my story is decided at the cynical beginning. The depression and I, we go way back.